Saturday, May 23, 2009

Hanging onto Joy

This morning I am hanging onto joy. It's been a liquid few days. By that I mean that tears have flowed freely, with resulting puffy eyes and slimy snotty upper lip and chin (ewwwwwwwww!!)

But through it all I keep finding my way back to a smile, a laugh. True, these start as a grimace and a rumbly grumble, but eventually, within minutes (okay, within hours sometimes) they are almost recognizable as signs of a heart growing lighter once again.

What caused this recent descent into the valley of the shadow? I reached out, finally, to a friend who had been out of touch with me for several weeks, asking why there had been no responses to my previous efforts at contact. Was he okay? The response was, in essence, that he'd moved on, found someone else "better. "

Half my heart said, "Well, poop on you." The other half said, "Why wasn't I good enough?" Yet another half said, "What can I say or do here that will promote healing and growth for both of us?" Still one more half moaned, "Why me, God? Why me? What's wrong with ME???"

Yes, I'm well aware that all my bits of hearts add up to more than one whole. But that's the way I feel. God has given me a huge heart with which to care and feel and ache. And sometimes I want to give it back to Him and say, "Take back my heart. I don't want it. It hurts too damn much."

And then I realize: giving my heart back to God is precisely what He requires of me. Oh.

In my prayers lately, I've come across many Bible verses that tell me to give my "whole heart" to God. I always assumed that in addition to meaning "entire," "whole" also meant a heart in one piece. What God breathed into my sadness yesterday was that it simply meant ALL of my heart. It's okay if it's broken. Just be sure that when I hand my heart to God, I give Him all the pieces. Every single shard. Okay.

P.S. The pictures accompanying this post are more of my beautiful flowery friends. They remind me to keep blooming, no matter what. Blooming is NOT a choice for them. It is what they are designed to do.


sharon said...

Wow!! Thanks for your transparent honesty, Maureen. I am so sorry you are going through yet another rejection. Just remember, there are hordes of people who have not and will not reject you.

Psalm 23 assures us that He will "restore your soul(mind, will, and emotions)." As you give Him your whole heart, he will restore(make whole)the shards. Years ago when working with people in inner healing, we frequently suggested to people hurting from broken relationships that they allow God to "restore their souls"-to recall/return the pieces of them that they had given to the other person.

I love you, Maureen. Your photos are breathtaking.

sharon said...

Did you get my email response to the news? You need to add another comment to it...the verse about "casting your pearls before swine." Love you, sweet wearer of pearls."

Anonymous said...

Maureen, I'm truly sorry that you were hurt, but I'm sure you know it is totally his loss. You are a beautiful person and I'm sure that special someone is near by waiting for The Universe to orchestrate the right moves.


aquamaureen said...

Sharon and Tabitha--thank you both, so much, for mirroring back to me a view of myself as God made me: loving and lovable.

I'm convinced that only as I find my all in God, will I be "ready" for a satisfying connection with a male human!!

I appreciate the love you each made me feel.

Sharon, a special thanks to you for the phrase "transparent honesty"--that means more than I can say.

Lauren said...

Oh Maureen, I'm so sorry you're hurting. When I first started reading your post I was very concerned that you had experienced some tragedy in your life -- bad news, the loss of a loved one, etc. But as I read on, I realized it was your friend who had suffered the loss -- of not appreciating your beautiful soul.

I hope you come to realize that too -- because truthfully, any person who doesn't see what a kind and generous spirit you are is missing out. Like your flowery friends -- you are a radiant, joyful being -- beautiful because His Love radiates from within you.

Keep are loved.

aquamaureen said...

Bless you, Lauren, for helping me see myself as God sees me . . your words are gifts tucked into my heart, to grow like my flowers.