Tuesday, March 10, 2009

yet another fresh start


Taking a deep breath. Exhaling gratitude. Doing the best I can to just BE in this present moment.

Friday's disappointment over leaning on another human for support was mitigated by hearing from him Saturday and being able to set myself aside and feel compassion for his challenges.
Saturday was preparation with family members for my mother-in-law's memorial the next day.
Sunday was the memorial, scattering ashes, sharing a meal, then dividing up some of her belongings.

The peace I felt at the end of that day was nothing short of miraculous, especially since the time was spent with members of a family I am now disconnected with because of my husband's leaving me.

The next day--yesterday--was my birthday. It's never mattered much to me to celebrate "birth"--that's just a biological event years ago. But it does matter to me to celebrate a person's uniqueness.
And that's where I'm dragging a bit, right now. It's a struggle for me NOT to define my value in terms of how I think others perceive me. Having my dad leave me when I was two, and then my husband leaving after 33 years of marriage, and choosing to be with several other women during our marriage--I have a hard time shaking a sense of worthlessness. [To the people who love me who read this-don't freak out. Deep down I KNOW I'm worthy and loved and lovable]. It's just this darn persistent sense of being left. Of wondering WHAT it is about me that is "leaveable."

I want to get my sense of worth from God, from inside myself. And I'm working on it. And despite the thoughts shared here, I have made tremendous progress. But sometimes the pain just hits all over again.

But then, all over again, I fight back. I make a fresh commitment to bloom like my favorite peony--with all my might, not holding back, not saving any beauty for another day, or even another hour. Just live and bloom extravagantly. That's my plan.


Yeah, I slipped a little tonight. But I'm back.

12 comments:

Sarah said...

Your honesty and openness are inspiring.

Anonymous said...

"Just live and bloom extravagantly . . ."

Oh, if only we all would seek to do the same.

LadyK said...

Hi Maureen!
I agree with both Sarah and Anonymous. And I can finally post on your blog!! WooHoo!

aquamaureen said...

LadyK--thank you so much for your help in unsnaggling my comment section!! Sarah--your response feeds my heart. Anon--we CAN all choose to bloom . . . I've sampled the alternative,far too often, and I do NOT like it. I choose blooming, even if I succeed by watering with tears.

sharon said...

I have always wondered all my life why men left me--I know we always console young kids with, "The divorce is not your fault," but deep inside me, I always felt that if he loved me enough he would have stayed. Turns out, I was blessed that he did NOT stay, but the abandonment has always been an issue as well as a lack of seeing appropriate husband/wife roles modeled. Thanks for your post.

sharon said...

Wow!!! it posted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

aquamaureen said...

sharon--thank you so much for persisting in your efforts to comment on my blog. I know you had weeks of struggle with that--hopefully now the problem is solved.

As far as men leaving us, I'm starting to tell myself that maybe it is NOT about me . .. that THEY have the problem. I'm so tired of doubting myself. I keep turning to God to get my sense of myself . . . one of these days that sense of worth will stick.

Thanks for your honesty.

sharon said...

hi

meherio68 said...

Hello Maureen, we sort of "met" on the Thursday Sweet Treat. I loved your "child-like" drawing for todays theme, and its wisdom.
So here I am on your blog, admiring your photos and your spirit. I would just like to share that for until well into my thirties, I thought I was unable to love. Then I did, love. You can definitely tell the difference when it happens. Bad choice. Unrequited. This girl was deeply unhappy and very nearly destroyed indeed. But now I am whole again, I look around, and I do believe it is a question of being able to love, not of being loveable. We all are. especially when we can and dare love. God bless my friends...

aquamaureen said...

merihio 68--how sweet to find your comment, especially today. So much of my life has been pared away, until only the essential is left: love. I've committed myself to see love, be love. And yes, God bless friends . . . and people like you who hear a voice like mine and send back an "echo". Thank you so much.

Phoenyx Ravenswing said...

Greetings!

You are most welcome for the comments! :-)

And thank YOU for this post - one that I really needed to read today myself. :-)

That's the blessed thing about it all - that we can pass the love and support back & forth and always get what we need. :-)

Thnx for posting this! :-) I feel better now. :-) Hoping that you are feeling better too! :-)

Bright Blessings & Good Fortune! :-)
-Bird

Beniwte said...

hi