Last day of January . . . not sure what that signifies . . . maybe that endings are followed by beginnings . . . I'm still crying way more than I want to. I think I'll always cry some--that just seems to be part of me. But I'd sure like for it to lessen. I've worked hard this month to pull myself out of low times by smothering myself in gratitude. Sometimes when I curl up in bed at night, all I can manage to say is "I'm grateful I have a warm, safe place to sleep."
Truly, I know I have so much. Family and friends, church, a strong and pure connection with my Father-Mother God. It doesn't take much for me to feel really ashamed of doing any complaining at all, because at the very deepest part of me, I do know that I am loved and valued.
But I gotta tell you, in this human experience, betrayal and abandonment cut to the heart. Please, anybody reading this, if you have made a commitment as a parent or a spouse, please do whatever it takes to keep and honor that promise. Ask for help--don't be embarrassed. No, I'm not talking about staying in a physically or emotionally dangerous situation. But for all other times, don't run away. Don't abandon the person you've made promises to. Parents, take care of your children. Love them the way they deserve to be loved.
With all the good in my life, I still struggle daily to overcome the pain of rejection, betrayal, abuse, and abandonment. So many times, when something wonderful happens, it feels tainted by the stink of past hurts. I can't seem to escape the smell. I have prayed so much and so long and have made tremendous progress. I work every day to think more of others than myself. I pray for new and bigger ways to love others. I express as much joy and compassion as I know how to. I pray constantly for God to help me leave the past behind and live each day in a way that glorifies Him.
But there are times I feel like I'm back at square one and I'm that little girl whose daddy left her and then came back and hurt her. I'm that young girl dishonored by a boyfriend. I'm the wife and mother whose husband turns to other women. I'm the newly single woman who attracts only men who do not treat her right. And all I can think is: what is wrong with me?
I'm not giving up. Not by a long shot. As much as I have hung onto God, I know God is hanging onto me. I know God is Love and God designed me to express that love. It doesn't matter that my whole human history has been studded with distrastrous relationships--I will keep on believing in the power of love.
But I meant what I said earlier: husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, please do whatever it takes to keep your promises to each other. When you don't, you screw up lives really badly. I know first hand. I've gotta believe that someday I will be free of the crippling done to me by broken promises, but tonight the road seems long. Very long.