Hope

Gotta add a P.S. before this month ends . . . my last posting was really teary and depressed. Honest, but depressed. Part of me thinks I should apologize to The World for having whined. But the reality is that I started this whole blog thing for myself. Maybe other people might read it at some point, but I'm doing it for me. Proof that I believe in myself.

And the truth is that I feel better after posting the last entry. Eyes gummy with dried tears and nose still dripping snot, but on the inside, I feel better.

Being me is not pretty most of the time. I try so hard to take the focus off myself and think of others, and a lot of the time, that's a good thing.

But I also need to take better care of myself. I need to stop thinking that there is some "perfect" way to deal with difficult times. I need to stop setting up expectations for myself that are impossible to meet. I've had some ugly stuff happen to me and I'm ready to ramp up my efforts to see healing. Might get a little messy. That's okay. I might fuss and whine some more. That's okay, too. If somebody other than me ends up reading my moaning and groaning and doesn't like it . . . well . . . that's okay, too.

Enough is enough with all this suffering. I insist on joy. If it takes more tears to get to the joy, that's okay, too. Whatever it takes.

What if . . . what if this is the year I set myself free?