Thursday, January 8, 2009

It's past bedtime, but I just gotta take a minute or two to touch base here. Haven't posted anything here in a few days. Have also lightened up greatly on the time spent on my What If project . . .granted, the last several days have been busy, but I still end up feeling like I do so often--that I have a great idea and start strong and then poof! I stumble and fall.

You know, I'm worried that this blog stuff will just end up sounding like whining. I have a roof over my head, I have enough to eat, I'm reasonably healthy--so what am I fussing about? I guess I'm still mad, madder than I realized up until just now. Mad that a marriage I spent so much time on and effort on behalf of, is just gone. That I am starting over now, just at the point I thought I'd be exploring the next portion of life with a loving, life-long partner. I look behind me and expect to see the "house" (marriage/family) I spent all my adult life laboring to build, and instead, all there is, is rubble. Yes, I know my story is all too familiar, but actually, that is not a whole lot of comfort most days. I don't really care that the club I've been forced to join is overflowing with members. This is my only life. I gave my all to my marriage--I was faithful, forgiving, deeply prayerful. And still, despite all that, my partner was able to pull the plug and that was that. Didn't matter what I wanted.

Yes, I guess that if that is what my partner would do, then I'm better off without him. And yes, technically, the rest of my life is wide open and I have the luxury of being able to consider choosing a new partner. Well, right now, all I can say is: whoopee.

Maybe this is just tiredness and late night talking. I hope so. I do my best to stay realistically positive, to be honestly grateful. But right now, I'll tell you . . . starting over sucks.

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