Thursday, December 31, 2009

Sturdy Soul

It's nearly midnight here. I intend this post to close out my first year of blogging. But then, depending on when I push a magic computer button, it might actually become my first sharing of 2010. We'll see.

I'll admit right here: the last few weeks of this year have been rugged. A part of me is ashamed to say that, since I know others suffering grave illness. Some mourning suicides. Others struggling with chronic bodily pain and joblessness and poverty. I have none of those.

Rational thought points an accusing finger to the mirrored image and mutters: "She better shape up. Stop complaining. Just shake off the past and get ON with her life."

I'm trying. I really never thought it would take this long or be this hard. I've prayed harder than ever. Flung countless streams of heartfelt gratitude to the heavens. Felt the presence of God more sharply and intensely than ever.

And still, such sadness remains. With every fiber of my being, I know that full healing is possible, since nothing is impossible with God. But some days I don't think I will ever fully come out from under the shadow of what my father and husband have done.

But I'm trying.

As the last few minutes of this year count down, I hereby make a conscious decision to focus my attention on some good things and share those, even while tears wet the keyboard:

Thanks to the loving prompting of my daughter, I painted today. It's not finished yet since it still needs some sharp contrasts, but here it is as a work in progress.

I also closed out this year watching the last three hours of So You Think You Can Dance. That's all I was able to see of the season, since I don't have TV access. My dear daughter recorded the final shows for me and I was overwhelmed, not just with the quality of dancing, but with the overflowing emotion and joy and enthusiasm expressed by the dancers and the judges. Truly a celebration of life.

I wasn't able to finish out my 100 days of writing, but I'm quite proud of the 57 days I DID write.

And in November, I wrote poetry every day. From that body of work I've distilled a collection which I've named "Sturdy Soul." It reflects the heart of me and I am very proud of it.

So, I finish out this year in my home, alone, tears freshly dried, a painting also drying, poetry speaking of my heart's resilience. My walk with God has reached new heights and depths. My commitment to live real and honest and fully alive and loving is stronger than ever.

For this, and for the friends and family who have been so faithful in their love of me, I am truly grateful.


Sharon said...

I am so glad you posted. I have been checking daily and missing hearing from you.

Your words are, as always, touching and transparent. You share your heart and your struggles.

You are progressing through the storms' aftermaths'--both from your father and the more recent one. Just remember how long cleanup takes after a hurricane--remember finding chunks of a destroyed motel and hunks of black-topped road in the shallow surf on Santa Rosa Island?

Stepping on those chunks of past destruction hurt, but we just picked them up and tossed them to the shore for final removal. We didn't let the chunk removal ruin our joy of being in the surf!

Reread Jeremiah 29:11. There is a song in which part of the lyrics say, "It's not in trying but in trusting..." I love you, sweet sister.

Amanda Fall - PersistentGreen said...

So glad to read this post--I know these past couple of months have been difficult, to say the least. But this, too, shall pass, right? I hear the seeds of hope in your words, especially in the recounting of your accomplishments. We need to do that more often.

Love your painting--that's what we need to cling to in these times...what moves us, what warms us, what gives us hope.

Sharon's comment here is beautiful in its own right and helps give me peace as well.

Love you both.

A.Marie said...

Hello there! I am so glad you posted...I have been wondering how you are doing! Your painting is lovely; I always enjoy looking at what you have done. You should post some of your poetry. I like to read what other people write!

May 2010 be a wonderful year for you, full of health, happiness and HOPE! :)

Lauren said...

I'm so happy to see that you're back. I've been thinking about you...worrying...wondering...missing my friend.

When 2009 started I made a commitment to myself that it was going to be "my year" -- the year that I finally allowed myself to be happy being me. The year I finally was completely true to myself...and the year I let go of all the ghosts that haunted me.

As you know, there were many dark patches -- but I know now that making that commitment to myself was the best thing I could have done.

I hear that kind of commitment in your "voice."....and I hope with all my heart that 2010 is your year.

happy new year.

aquamaureen said...

Sharon, Amanda, A.Marie, and Lauren--thank you, each one of you, for your sweet comments.

They mean more to me than I can put into words.

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