Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Morning After

Love. Love God. Love yourself. Love others. But above all, when in doubt, love.

Sometimes I think I'm making progress, or what I would call progress. I see a place in my life that I think I need to/ought to/should be, and try to get there. I know all about how the journey is equally important as the destination, and some would say more so.

But still. It has been hard for me to value my wanderings in the wilderness. Why can't I just get "there" and finally be "done?"

Those are the frustrations--the chorus of nasty voices that swirls around the edges of my thoughts at times.

But. [And this is a BIG but!!!!] I'm finally seeing evidence of true growth. Of groping in the dark, zigzagging through the wartorn pieces of my life, enduring self-inflicted wounding and STILL coming out of it loving myself and my babystumble from an old life into a new.

All these pictures? Evidence of the day-old Valentine's candy I bought for myself yesterday. And ate. The chocolate that kept me from sleeping. I knew when I ate it that I might be sabotaging sleep. But the tender ache, the still healing wounds from unrequited love, called out for something sweet. So I fed myself chocolate.

When I couldn't sleep in the dark of night, I got up and read a book. Went back to bed just before 4am and managed to sleep, on and off, until almost noon. Got up and showered. Went to my line dance class, groggy, grainy in my soul, a little wobbly in my dancing feet. But gentle. Oh-so-gentle with my emerging self.

Right now, I am doing the best I can. I am moving from darkness into light. Yes, I wobble. Sometimes I fall. Hard.

But I'm learning to hug myself. Maybe lie down with my self, and rest, until we can get to our feet again. More hugs. Wipe away tears. Blow snotty nose. Turn face to the sun and start again, one tiny, unsteady step at a time, into the light.


A.Marie said...

Good Morning!

Just do your best and let God do the rest! :)

That is one of my favorite sayings from my Grandma. Another one is:

"Inch by inch, life's a cinch..yard by yard, life is hard."

Just do your best and go inch by inch. Rest if you must, but don't quit! :)

This is my favorite poem: I had it hanging on my wall when I was in college and I memorized it. It has served me well over the years!


When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is strange with its' twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When she might have won had she stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When she might have captured the victor's cup,
And she learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close she was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

- Author unknown

lisianblue said...

Hey dear lady, you could have indulged in something much worse than chocolate! I'm here to remind you to be gentle & kind with yourself! I have most, not all of my drawings from about 4 years of drawing classes - I seriously disliked the figure studies until 1 of my daughter's friends looked at them, and then I was able to see past the imperfections to the beauty that they did have within them - Natasha's drawings - are so childlike, and I love her stick figures - and that she can and does make something so beautiful out of them - me, I want that perfect rendered body and cannot allow myself to do stick figures - guess who is enjoying the process the most - probably Natasha!
Many Native Americans purposely make an imperfection in their work, because they believe that only "God" can make something perfect. I don't have to make an imperfection, there is always something imperfect in almost everything I do, and I finally was able to let go of things being perfect a while ago - it was& is hard for me to do - I sort of envy people who can create a simple colorful creative butterfly with thick flirty eyelashes - a stick figure, an "imperfect" drawn outline figure and make it into something that has meaning, colorful, creative, fun, and enjoys the process - personally I think it's all about enjoying the process, the journey that we are on. And then push it a little further, what is around the butterfly, where is she flying? but, that doesn't make the butterfly you made any less, I would love to see a series of the butterfly and places she visits!!!
Have a wonderful day, Maureen and savor a piece of chocolate!

A.Marie said...

Just came over to say "Happy March 1st!" Yesterday, when I was outside, I saw that some of my bulbs are starting to come up. That is a sure sign that Spring is on its way! :)

lisianblue said...

Bulbs! someone has bulbs coming up! oh I was going to buy some the other day but had to leave them - will have to get them now! oh shoot, now I forgot what I was going to say! oh well - I think I'm going to break out my watercolors for this weeks theme!

Amanda Fall - PersistentGreen said...

Hi, lovely lady! Your blog and your fans miss you! :)

Have you been painting? I'd love to see some of your work here!

aquamaureen said...

A.Marie, Kris, and Amanda, Thank you soooooooooooo much for your sweet comments. I have NO clue why I've sort of blanked out on posting on my blog. I do know that I feel a lot of changes burbling underneat the surface. I think that has sort of distracted me. But hearing from sweeties like you three really makes me feel GOOD!!