Thursday, October 29, 2009

I'm Baaaaaaaaack

[The pictures sprinkled throughout this post are not very photogenic, I know. But they are my attempt to say goodbye to summer, which was all too short, and make peace with winter, which arrived all too suddenly and soon.]

I'm very grateful to my sweet friend and fellow writer/artist Amanda, at http:/ for asking me something today. She'd noticed that I hadn't blogged for over two weeks and wondered if a reason existed beyond just the usual busyness of life.

I told her I'd been wondering the same thing. I have really loved this adventure of blogging and actually am pretty dumbfounded that I've been at it since January 2nd. So it surprised me--no, actually sort of dismayed me--that although I'd listed "write new blog post" on a series of daily To Do lists, I kept avoiding it.

After just a few moments of contemplating this mystery with Amanda, I found myself crying. Yeah, I know that isn't a very unusual occurence for me, but it really surprised me this time. I just opened up to the feelings surfacing and realized that underneath, I was pretty scared. That surprised me even more.

But again, I gently let the feelings find words for themselves. What's coming to light is that I am to-the-bone weary of being in so much transition. Yes, transition is far better than being stuck in a rut. But this mental and emotional climate of always working toward something in the future had somehow robbed me of the joy of just being me, here and now, in whatever messy and loptarded shape I'm in.

Yes, I want to lose weight. Yes, I want a relationship with a man that is safe and satisfying. Yes, I want the inside of my home to reflect order and allow space for creative chaos. Yes, I want the outside of my house to be safe from the elements. Yes, I want my paperwork in workable order. Etc. Etc. Etc.

But in all this focus on these "projects," some immediate and some long-term, I lost sight of just loving the me God has made, in whatever physical shape I'm currently in; of appreciating the male and female friendships I currently have; of loving my home and all I can do in it right now; of being grateful that I am able, in the midst of a paper hurricane, to still handle my current clerical obligations.

What are your days like? Do you feel swamped in endless lists of things to do? Do you think you perpetually fall short, no matter how much you accomplish? Have you found ways to live in this moment, to somehow, more simply, just be? I'd love to hear from you.

P.S. Despite my lack of blog posts, I HAVE kept current on my WRITE:100 challenge. And on Day 14, the entry turned into . . . . the beginning of a novel!!!! The subsequent pages have resulted in 11,459 words!!!! Woo-hoo!!!

P.P.P.S.S.S. Amanda had this quote on her blog today, and it really summed up a lot of what I was feeling: "When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly." ~Barbara Winter


Elizabeth said...

Love this post! You are so right about taking time to just be. So much of life is spent in transition and it can be soo difficult - but, I suppose that without it, we would all go the way of Latin.

I hope that you enjoy the new beauty that winter is going to bring! Love you!

Felicia Kramer said...

I can sympathize with you. I have been pushing myself relentlessly lately with creating artwork and dealing with some extended family issues. Yesterday I picked up some work I had left at a consignment gift shop (I was rejected!!). I went to a local hangout, sat down at the bar, had two drinks, an early comfort food dinner, and read the newspaper, front to back. Didn't even accomplish much when I got home, but it sure felt good to just relax and be!

Sharon said...

Yea-a-a-a for you, Maureen! I struggle so often with trying to move forward, that I forget to enjoy right here. Maybe I am afraid that if I stop pushing forward, I will be sept backward by a tide of the undone stuff??? I don't know...that is just my first thought.

Your goodbye to winter pics are grat---an unusual approach. I love them and I love you and I love seeing bits of familiar places.

Call me if you want!!!

aquamaureen said...

Liz, Felicia, and Sharon--thanks for your comments. Liz, you inspire me with your bravery in hopping over to teach in Japan. Felicia, your evening of relaxing sounded so good!! (and the consignment shop that turned you down is nuts!!) And Sharon, oh yes, that "tide of undone stuff!!" I fear it too, but am tired of letting it call so many of the shots!!

Here's to cherishing right here, right now!!

Anonymous said...

Sending you hugs and tons of love!

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